Your adoration of Jr. is off the charts and you’re happy to jump at his every whimper, but if you also have a bit of “spoiling baby” mythology knocking around in your head, you’re not alone. These days, your pediatrician or mother-in-law may not tell you directly to let your baby cry himself to sleep (or they may tell you directly!) but more subtle anti-spoiling messages persist: “Don’t go to your baby right away . . . let her fuss a little on her own for a few minutes before picking her up,” or “Don’t give her too much attention or she’ll always expect it.” These messages are still prolific, even if it’s just your stern Aunt Millie making you feel like a “softie." On a larger scale, the writer for perhaps the most-talked-about cover article of Time magazine of all time, "Are You Mom Enough? . . . " got it wrong when she approached her now famed profile piece based on the common assumption that attachment-style parenting is in opposition to developing independence in childhood. In fact, the research (e.g., Stein, J. A., & Newcomb, M. D. (1994) "Children's internalizing and externalizing behaviors and maternal health problems" Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 19(5), 571-593) shows the opposite: Healthy attachment results more often in nurturing the traits of independence and inner strength. (Mommies, I've scoured the research and have yet to find any science that supports the common notion that we can spoil little ones with attachment-inducing care!) To aim high on that healthy-attachment continuum, embrace your inner softie! Always comfort, hold, and soothe baby when she needs help getting back to her happy place. The science suggests in concert: The younger the baby, the more important this is. A major flaw in our cultural messaging surrounding being responsive to our babies is that much advice better fit for older toddlers gets applied to younger infants. Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on The Block series, stated it this way in a recent interview (with me), "Setting limits has absolutely no place in parenting babies under 6 months." Many specialists in the neuropsychology arena would move that bar closer to a year, while emphasizing that responding to distress is the key ingredient in optimum brain development (for at least the first 18 months). So just how responsive, doting, and attentive should we be? And how is the best balance struck between making your baby secure and fostering a little independence in the short term (as in, please go to sleep already!)? With toddlers and preschoolers we may push a bit for more independent sleep (without leaving them to cry it out). A great example is Dr. Karp's "patience stretching," (explained in his toddler book and DVD) an invaluable tool at the right developmental stage. But in babyhood, the fuse that launches baby into toxic distress isn't just short, it's virtually nonexistent. This is because the parts of the brain that regulate strong emotions are not fully formed. Once babies have been responded to consistently and lovingly for the first six months, they have built a certain level of trust in the world. Areas of the brain that determine social, emotional, and self-regulating capacities that were not there at birth, are more developed at this age (though they still have a lot of maturing and connecting up to do). Emotion-processing and stress-regulating genes have been turned on, according to positive emotional relations with caregivers, and six months of soothing has provided “scaffolding” (as the science set terms it) for the baby to begin to practice a little soothing on her own. At this point, a few minutes of protest crying to nudge baby toward more self-soothing may be okay in moderation, depending on the individual baby. (Babies develop at different rates and many continue to need parents’ help for several more months or years, at sleep times.) My standard approach with coaching clients is a no-cry one, but for certain individuals, factors like types of cries (because there's a genetic component to baby's sensitivity) and history and age of baby can neurologically and physiologically have very different effects. These factors can be gaged to determine how much, if any, we can safely push baby. This delicate approach is based in part on confirmation I received during email conversations with Dr. Allan Schore, a top expert on emotional and neurological development in the first year, and of course, after my studies of many textbooks and journal articles authored by him. "I agree with your position, and about the importance of age," Schore said when I ran my approach by him. In any case, it's developmentally imperative that baby gets the level of support she needs, despite what your pediatrician may sanction in the name of independence. The other vital key to surviving natural infant soothing needs involves practices that lay the ground work for future independent sleep. Not nursing/feeding completely to sleep every time and avoiding too strong an association between any one soothing technique and sleeping can help avoid the need for more aggressive sleep training later. Bottom line, any soothing style you embrace or specific sleep-plan you adopt must gel with your softie sensibilities . . . and your new, myth-busting knowledge of long term psychological development.
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My two-year-old (pictured here at five months) lunges for my leg as we walk down a lush pathway of our neighborhood botanical gardens. "Whus dat?" she warily squeals as she jumps away from the moving object for a full body cling to mom. "It's just a stroller, Honey," I hear myself say, as the humor of our exchange hits me on so many levels (this one had a bright red canopy - perhaps the true cause for alarm). I could just think of some Attachment Parenting pundits who would have loved to have a video tape of that reaction to illustrate the purported evils of all things that hold babies (other than parents). It also struck me that my Gianna indeed hadn't been in a stroller for some time. She never would tolerate them for long and I'd end up carrying her anyway, so I guess I'd become unmotivated to lug the stroller out! But the parenting debate this hilarious moment brought to mind is no laughing matter. It represents a lot of needless divisiveness in the mommy realm. While there is much to be said for the empirically supported importance of close physical contact, particularly for newborns (it literally regulates their breathing!), every thing in moderation (strollers and car seats, and playpens - oh my!) surely can apply. Rather than banishing strollers and other baby-holding paraphernalia, we mommies may be better served by focusing on what's really important in nurturing a healthy attachment. Just this week, the blogs are afire with another example of parenting zeal impeding into does-this-really-matter territory as Gisele Bundchen, supermodel mom and breastfeeding advocate, is widely criticized for having her eight-month-old daughter's ears pierced. In the interest of wrangling focus in the direction of things that really do matter, I'm going to highlight the three major practices scientifically-linked to building and nurturing a healthy attachment--the #1 predictor of infant mental health. 1. Affectionate Play. Play is bonding fuel for baby. Sharing pleasurable moments through excitement activates opioids in both play partners' brains. Along with dopaine and norepinephrine, these feel-good hormones help build and strengthen neural pathways that will make joy, playfulness, and positivity in general, more likely to be felt. In this way, play strengthens not only the immediate relationship, but paves the way for easier and more satisfying bonding in future relationships. Interactive, face-to-face play is neuro-psychologically beneficial from birth, helping certain right-brain social capacities to come online during the critical growth spurt happening in this hemisphere throughout the first 18 months. (Primary source: The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy by Allan N. Schore, PhD. 2012.) So, as long as we talk to stroller baby and point out funny scenery as we stroll by . . . 2. Regulation of emotional states. In the scientific community, the power of emotions is at a fever pitch. For babies, emotional regulation is even more important, both because they are in the process of developing soothing capacities and because their brains are in a tremendous growth spurt throughout the first year. When distressed or afraid, energy is robbed from brain growth while toxic stress hormones can even unhook neural connections that have already formed if negative emotions are prolonged. When a parent averts these negative effects and consistently soothes in response to emotional upsets, baby's bond with that parent is cemented while his brain is freed up to learn and explore in emotional safety. Baby trusts the attachment figure will be there for him, so he doesn't waste brain power worrying. (Primary sources: The Attachment Connection, by Ruth P Newton, PhD. 2008; and Why Love Matters, by Sue Gerhardt. 2004; "Effects of a Secure Attachment on Right Brain Development, Affect Regulation, and Infant Mental Health," by Allan N. Schore. 2001.) So unless baby cries inconsolably when placed in stroller . . . 3. Close physical contact. Ah, this is where those anti-stroller pundits may have a point. If we place baby in a stroller at times when he could be wrapped against our bodies in a cozy carrier, baby may be robbed of essential bonding-through-touch time. Touch really should be widely recognized as nourishment (it is in neurodevelopmental science). This is often why (my coaching clients are surprised to learn) babies wake in the night even after all other reasons have been eliminated; they need a refueling of physical contact. My favorite scientist for this topic is currently Tiffany Field, PhD of the Touch Research Institute. There's no doubt, touch and holding communicates love and safety, which I believe are one and the same in early babyhood. But perhaps if we co-sleep at night and give lots of cuddles around the clock, not to mention the proven attachment-promoting effects of breastfeeding in and of itself (Thanks, Gisele Bundchen!), we can indulge in a stroll and still meet baby's touch quota. In any case, shouldn't we mommies focus on the essence of parenting practices that really contribute to attachment rather than on the specific practices themselves . . . or the apparatus involved? |
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Angela Braden is a journalist, researcher, and parent educator devoted to early parenting based on baby brain development. This blog explores what science shows we can do as parents to give our little ones the best foundations for life. |