Your adoration of Jr. is off the charts and you’re happy to jump at his every whimper, but if you also have a bit of “spoiling baby” mythology knocking around in your head, you’re not alone. These days, your pediatrician or mother-in-law may not tell you directly to let your baby cry himself to sleep (or they may tell you directly!) but more subtle anti-spoiling messages persist: “Don’t go to your baby right away . . . let her fuss a little on her own for a few minutes before picking her up,” or “Don’t give her too much attention or she’ll always expect it.” These messages are still prolific, even if it’s just your stern Aunt Millie making you feel like a “softie." On a larger scale, the writer for perhaps the most-talked-about cover article of Time magazine of all time, "Are You Mom Enough? . . . " got it wrong when she approached her now famed profile piece based on the common assumption that attachment-style parenting is in opposition to developing independence in childhood. In fact, the research (e.g., Stein, J. A., & Newcomb, M. D. (1994) "Children's internalizing and externalizing behaviors and maternal health problems" Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 19(5), 571-593) shows the opposite: Healthy attachment results more often in nurturing the traits of independence and inner strength. (Mommies, I've scoured the research and have yet to find any science that supports the common notion that we can spoil little ones with attachment-inducing care!) To aim high on that healthy-attachment continuum, embrace your inner softie! Always comfort, hold, and soothe baby when she needs help getting back to her happy place. The science suggests in concert: The younger the baby, the more important this is. A major flaw in our cultural messaging surrounding being responsive to our babies is that much advice better fit for older toddlers gets applied to younger infants. Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on The Block series, stated it this way in a recent interview (with me), "Setting limits has absolutely no place in parenting babies under 6 months." Many specialists in the neuropsychology arena would move that bar closer to a year, while emphasizing that responding to distress is the key ingredient in optimum brain development (for at least the first 18 months). So just how responsive, doting, and attentive should we be? And how is the best balance struck between making your baby secure and fostering a little independence in the short term (as in, please go to sleep already!)? With toddlers and preschoolers we may push a bit for more independent sleep (without leaving them to cry it out). A great example is Dr. Karp's "patience stretching," (explained in his toddler book and DVD) an invaluable tool at the right developmental stage. But in babyhood, the fuse that launches baby into toxic distress isn't just short, it's virtually nonexistent. This is because the parts of the brain that regulate strong emotions are not fully formed. Once babies have been responded to consistently and lovingly for the first six months, they have built a certain level of trust in the world. Areas of the brain that determine social, emotional, and self-regulating capacities that were not there at birth, are more developed at this age (though they still have a lot of maturing and connecting up to do). Emotion-processing and stress-regulating genes have been turned on, according to positive emotional relations with caregivers, and six months of soothing has provided “scaffolding” (as the science set terms it) for the baby to begin to practice a little soothing on her own. At this point, a few minutes of protest crying to nudge baby toward more self-soothing may be okay in moderation, depending on the individual baby. (Babies develop at different rates and many continue to need parents’ help for several more months or years, at sleep times.) My standard approach with coaching clients is a no-cry one, but for certain individuals, factors like types of cries (because there's a genetic component to baby's sensitivity) and history and age of baby can neurologically and physiologically have very different effects. These factors can be gaged to determine how much, if any, we can safely push baby. This delicate approach is based in part on confirmation I received during email conversations with Dr. Allan Schore, a top expert on emotional and neurological development in the first year, and of course, after my studies of many textbooks and journal articles authored by him. "I agree with your position, and about the importance of age," Schore said when I ran my approach by him. In any case, it's developmentally imperative that baby gets the level of support she needs, despite what your pediatrician may sanction in the name of independence. The other vital key to surviving natural infant soothing needs involves practices that lay the ground work for future independent sleep. Not nursing/feeding completely to sleep every time and avoiding too strong an association between any one soothing technique and sleeping can help avoid the need for more aggressive sleep training later. Bottom line, any soothing style you embrace or specific sleep-plan you adopt must gel with your softie sensibilities . . . and your new, myth-busting knowledge of long term psychological development.
23 Comments
10/9/2013 07:55:13 am
I like the points you raise but I don't know where that leaves me with my very loving, attached 2YO who is stalling like a master at bedtime.
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Angela
10/10/2013 02:23:51 am
Thanks for posting, Heather! The "softie" post is more about an attitude and the cry it out post before it refers to babies. I'm so glad you brought up age bc it makes a huge difference in how aggressively we can push as sleep times. Those concerns I highlighted wane for toddlers partly because a baby's brain is 25% developed, while a 2 YO's is 80% developed! For your "loving, well-attached" (this tells me about another factor that influences sleep training strategy: history) 2 YO, I doubt he would be afraid for his life at being left alone to cry, like a young baby is at risk for being with total extinction methods. However, there is still much you can do on the "no-cry" or (little cry) path. I'll give you the biggest two sleep tips for 2 YOs: first sounds too obvious, but we forget how key it is: lots of exercise! Run him, after nap, but not too close to bedtime, especially outdoor activity works wonders. 2) look at the nap - is it too late in the day? Is it too long? If you'd like to share his morning wake time and nap time, I can advise further. Also, have you read about Dr. Karp's "patience stretching"? I can advise in detail on that, too.
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Tucker Conrad
11/9/2020 09:45:55 am
A GREAT SPELL CASTER (DR. EMU) THAT HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX GIRLFRIEND.
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10/11/2013 06:34:50 am
Great job! Love your research and presentation!! TY for sharing. I agree on many levels... Babies have no language or easy ways of telling us what they need. Babies cry as a way to communicate their needs. All we can do is read their body language (smiles, frowns, cries, rubbing of tired eyes . . .) and become an expert at interpreting all their cues. With such limited brain development, babies who are six months old or younger are incapable of manipulative behavior and have very limited ability to self-soothe—hence the heavy reliance on caregivers. Research shows that babies who are held and comforted actually cry less, learn to trust, and are more independent.
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1/2/2016 12:47:25 pm
My 7 month old still falls asleep while nursing even if she’s slept! We are finally fixing her nap schedule and that’s definitely helping, but most of the time she falls asleep nursing. She’s eating every 3.5-4 hours during the day (and then closer together in the early afternoon and evening before bed) but only naps an hour to an hour and a half (up from 20 minutes!) so sometimes food comes at an odd time. Hard to keep her awake!
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The Others Effect:
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Angela Braden is a journalist, researcher, and parent educator devoted to early parenting based on baby brain development. This blog explores what science shows we can do as parents to give our little ones the best foundations for life. |